Episode 2 - Carlos & James

Bukkake parties, International Male catalog nostalgia, craigslist adventures and involuntary golden showers. James joins Dave for an honest conversation about personal sex histories, the evolution of "consent" and owning our kinks.

Episode Transcripts

Carlos - Los Angeles

When I first learned about sex actually was one time I happened to walk into my parents' bedroom and saw them having sex. And I remember as a kid, I just saw these two bodies, you know, doing things on the bed. And I was very confused by what I was seeing. So I went back to my bedroom and later on I asked my mom the next morning, "What were you and dad doing last night?" and her face went so red. Oh my God, it's hysterical.

In 1984 the Olympics were in Los Angeles. I was still living there. Where we lived the Velodrome, where they do the cycling, was near our house. And so there were cyclists constantly everywhere. And that was the first time I really saw really fit masculine, thick legged and, you know, muscular men wearing these skin tight spandex outfits. And I was like, "Oh yeah, that I like." But other than that it was just typical things where you hear from friends or you see dirty magazines. Just things like that. I never really was a big person for porn necessarily. Plus porn really wasn't available very much to us back in the seventies. My dad would have Playboy magazines and whatnot, but you know, that didn't really work for me.

My mom did have a Playgirl magazine and I remember it specifically because it had Peter Lupus who was the big muscle guy in the original Mission Impossible show. He was so hot. Oh God. I found out later that my brother was also looking at that same magazine too.

During that time period, I was working at a Warehouse Music that also did video and I worked in the video side. I remember there was a videotape of the band Dead or Alive. They had their concert for Rip It Up, their greatest hits album. And I remember renting it because I always liked our music, you know, Spin Me Around, you know, always really fun. That concert was super instrumental to me in my life because, you know, here was Pete Burns, completely out, all dragged up singing and having this incredible time and he had these really -- now looking back -- really cheesy backup dancers that kept tearing their clothes off and having like little reveals, it'd be like little spandex shorts or a little thong.

And I was like, "I like that." So I actually bought the video from work and I kept it for many, many years. I don't know where it went. I think we sold it in a garage sale. Which sucks, because it's out of print, it's worth money, but that video. And it's funny, because I've talked to other people and other people would be like, "Oh yeah, I know that video. I've seen that one too. It's really good."

Before I went to go live with my brother in Berkeley, I went to go visit him and he had a roommate that he lived with. They had been friends because they went to college and so they were living together. Maury was his name. Maury had a stack of International Male catalogs by his bed. Maury was straight. But then at the same time, my brother was also straight, so you kinda know where that's all going. But I went to go visit my brother and hung out with them for a weekend and when I left, I took all of Maury's International Male catalogs with me. I stole them from him. Years later he would still remind me. He's like, "Oh, I know what you did with those catalogs." And I'm like, "Well, I know what you were doing with those catalogs too." Because we were doing the same. But International Male catalogs. Those are so scandalous. I love them. They were so hot.

I do remember the first time I had sex. My very first, I guess he was my first boyfriend, Kevin. I was 18? It would have probably been about 1989, roughly around that time period. I think I was coming home for one of my first holidays from college. I didn't have a lot of money, so I wasn't really sure how I was going to pay for the next semester of school. And so I was really kind of in flux, but I did know that I was gay. I figured that out in my head. I wasn't ready to tell anyone, but I knew it was in my head. And because I didn't know if I was going to be going back to college, I decided that, "You know, what, if I'm potentially going to be back in Los Angeles, I'm going to explore this gay thing."

I told my dad that I was working. And so I drove out to Santa Monica or West Hollywood I think is where it was and went to the gay youth group. And it's there that I met Kevin which I still don't understand why a much older person was at a gay youth group. He actually was a very nice guy. I think he was friends with other people there and they dragged him along. I don't know, maybe. 

We started chatting and I know I was just this weird little awkward 19 year old. I had hair then and it was really big and bushy. But yeah, we just kind of started talking and kind of hit it off. And after the group, everyone else went off to the gay bars to go hang out in West Hollywood in the gay bars, but I was too young, so I couldn't do it. So I had to sit outside the bar, just watching West Hollywood nightlife in front of me and Kevin sat with me the whole time on the sidewalk. We just talked and it was really kind of fun. And then he invited me over to his house. I was like, "Oh shit, it's going to happen." So we did end up having sex. It really was not very exciting or memorable. It was definitely very awkward and he taught me how to kiss so poorly. Oh my God. He was a terrible kisser. He specifically would like suck my tongue out of my mouth and just pull on it. And that's actually where I kind of learned how to kiss back then. It was terrible. And I was so nervous and so scared the whole time having sex thinking, "Oh my God, I'm finally doing it with a man. And he's so attractive." I could not come. It was terrible. My heart was racing. I was terrified, I could not come. And we went out with each other for about two weeks or so and I never came the entire time. But I lied to him and made him think I did. It was terrible. Oh my God. 

He did kind of instruct me. And it wasn't necessarily, "Oh, put this here. Put this here," necessarily. But you know, he would kind of guide me because I really didn't know what to do at all. I was just terrified. But it was definitely very awkward. So a lot of sex I just kind of learned and made up on my own, but that was certainly my first experience with it.

But I spent the night at his place. So suddenly I had to explain to my dad where I was all night because it wasn't normal for us to stay out all night. So I came home that next morning and I called my dad because he was already at work and he's like, "Oh, okay. Where, where were you?" I said, "Well, dad I met someone."

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. I met a girl." 

"You did?" 

"Yeah, I had sex." 

"Oh!" And basically, I took all the details about Kevin and turned him into "Kathy" and told my dad this whole story. He was so proud.

I don't think he was as proud when he found out later on that Kathy was actually Kevin. Because when I did come out to him, he did ask, "Well, what about Kathy?" Well, "Kathy, not so much." So that's kind of how that whole thing went.

So my brother who was living in Berkeley said, "Why don't you come and live with me?" So we shared an apartment and it was really fun. I had a blast. We had a great time and one day we were just kind of chatting and we were walking through the UC Berkeley campus and we were talking and he said, "I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth."

And I just looked at him and I was like, "Yes, I'm gay." And he was like, "Oh, okay. I'm gay too." And I'm like, "Really?" He's like, "Well, I'm more bi." Quickly we figured out that, yeah, in order to be bi you should have sex with, you know, the opposite sex as well. But he didn't really do that too often. So he's gay. 

So it was right then I think I was 19 and going to the gay youth groups and meeting a lot of friends and that's kind of where I really just said, "Hey, I'm in San Francisco. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to be gay." And it was so much fun. I had such a good time. Oh my God. It was so fun. 

I remember specifically a friend of mine. We were leaving a movie and we were walking through downtown San Francisco and it just kind of hit me. I just looked at him like, "Oh my God, we're young. We're cute. And we're gay. Let's just run around, have tons of sex and do all the drugs! Oh my God!" It was so much fun. And it was also, it was a time during act up and queer nation and club Uranus and Colossus. The San Francisco gay nightlife was really starting to just come back to life. Oh my God. It was so, so fun. It's such a good time.

Best move. I dunno if I would call it my best move, but it's certainly very effective and it's worked for me a number of times. So through Craigslist, I met another guy, a straight guy. And I find that with some of the straight guys I played with, they kind of like giving themselves up or putting themselves into that more feminine position because that lets them mentally understand what they're going to do with another guy. And it's worked for me a number of times. It's always discussed because we always kind of figure it out in advance. So it just keeps it a little more fun. 

I have had a couple of guys that I've surprised by dressing them up and they didn't know it. And normally they want me to be the man and take the lead. So I usually have a couple of different outfits. Because you have to kind of get a sense of what mood they're going to be in. Are they going to be in like the black lacy slutty thing? Or are they going to be red and you know, satiny or something or are they going to be like white and pink and kind of a little more sissy or virginal? Something like that.

So you see where I keep an eye on where their eyes go and what they're attracted to. And then I just kind of start doing that and bringing that into their fantasy. This guy, and this has actually happened a couple of times, this guy came over. Really sexy, you know, masculine guy just, you know, getting away from work and wanting to kind of do some play. 

 So we come over, we'd already talked about what we were going to do. And so he came over, I start to strip him down. He's never really been with a guy before. I take him out of all of his clothes. And then I reach over onto my table and I pull out a pair of panties and I slide the panties up his leg and he is really liking this.

So then after that, like a little teddy or something like that, put that on top of him. And he's getting very excited by this whole thing. So I sit him down and this always really works. Take the stockings, pull those up, slide those up their legs as you're kind of like running your hands up their legs. And he's going nuts.

Take the other stocking, put that one up, dress them all up. He's having a great time. He's very excited. And then how we usually start, they're usually seated. And of course at that point their face is pretty much at my dick level. So I start kind of rubbing my dick and stuff like that. And they're like, "Oh, oh, what's in there?"

So I unbutton and I pull out my dick. And they're always like, "Oh, that looks so good. That looks so hot." I say, "Yeah, you know what's even better? When it's pressing up against the back of your throat." Then I just take the back of their head and I shove it on. Oh my God, it works every single time.

It's so much fun with that.

I remember going to bath houses and Steamworks and doing all that kind of stuff. And that's fun. I remember having sex in alleys. So much fun. You know, having sex in bushes. I mean, why not? It's so great. 

One time I placed the Craigslist ad. This is tied back to the whole cross-dressing thing. I placed a Craigslist ad and I got a couple people replying back to it. And so often people on Craigslist will flake out. And so I was expecting, “Okay, you know, I've invited these people, they're all gonna flake out.” Seven people showed up. I was like, "Holy shit." So it turned into an orgy. Oh my God, it was a blast. I was like, "Oh shit, was I supposed to make cocktails or something? Like, you know, a crudite platter?" "No." But it was fun. 

If I were to go back in time and tell and see my younger self, the advice that I would give him to be perfectly honest would be, "Go have more sex. Go have lots of sex. Have a good time." I would always kind of be the one holding back. I had watched my friends all hook up and I kind of would, because I never would think that I was cute enough or I was funny enough or smart enough, or they're never really attracted to me. They're always attracted to my friend instead. And whether that was true or not, it didn't really matter. But I think if I were to go back, I would tell myself, "Just go have sex. Just do it. Try it all. Have so much fun, experiment, play safely. And just have a blast." Why not? That's what it's for. You know when you're older, you have that time to have gotten that confidence and to kind of realize that, you know, sex isn't scary. Sex is fun, should be fun, you know. And if things are embarrassing or silly or gross or whatever, it's all still fun. It's still a good time. Or at least it should be. You know and what's the worst? You have bad sex? Big deal. 

I mean I'm definitely older, fatter, hairier - hairier is good - than I certainly was before. But I look at pictures of myself when I was younger and so awkward and gangly. And just this, I don't know. I thought I was very strange looking. But yeah, whatever. I found my man. It worked. He has low expectations.

My name is James. I am 40 years old. And I grew up in Nebraska.

I'm not really sure where I learned about sex.  I feel like growing up, I was always attracted to boys, but didn't know what that meant or what to do with it, or didn't really associate sex with the way I felt toward boys until I got older and started seeing it in movies and TV shows. I mean, I saw dick like in locker rooms and stuff, but never hard.

There were a couple of situations with classmates. When I was like 11 or 12. I lived on a farm. And we had this little irrigation pond outside that would pump water onto the corn fields. That's so country. But it would pump out into the cornfields and it was like fish in it.

So some of my classmates like to come to that pond and like fish while I was there. And I came out one day to just walk around the farm. And three of my classmates were there fishing. And I don't know how it started, but there was this game where we were trying to get the pants off of one of the guys.

So these four like 11 or 12 year olds are trying to wrestle the pants off of one of the guys. We finally got his pants off. It was my first time really seeing a dick. But as soon as we did that, one of the boy's fathers drove up to pick them up. And apparently they got in a ton of trouble. Like he was so mad at them for whatever game they were playing.

But I was curious to see what would have happened if we hadn't been stopped. I don't know.

When I was really young, my mother was friends with a neighbor down the road and she gave me the task of house sitting for her when she was on vacation for a weekend. And I was supposed to go feed the cat and basically just clean up the house and make sure it stayed maintained until she got back.

And she had a VHS holder full of videotapes. And a lot of them were unmarked, which I found really interesting. So I started putting the unmarked videotapes in the player and eventually found a porn. And that was my first time I've ever actually seen people have sex on video. So I know I've seen people like kiss in actual movies, but that was the first time I actually saw people having sex. And it was really intriguing to me. The beginning of the videotape had a Daisy Chain. There was a swimming pool with literally like 25, 30 people around it. Just, genital to mouth. Back and forth all the way around the swimming pool. And that blew my mind. I didn't know that was a thing. I knew sex existed I guess, or that people had sex, but I didn't know like how it works.

I had no idea that anything like that could ever exist. I was probably like 12, 13, maybe when I saw that. And the rest of the videotape was just like normal sex, like chubby, hairy men and women. You like what you like and I guess you're influenced at a young age.

When I was growing up, the internet didn't exist, so I didn't have access to a lot of stuff. But I used to buy Vogue magazine. Because there were always underwear ads for Calvin Klein or you could see men that were basically wearing nothing and you could see genitals in them. So I would take like Vogue magazine or I would take, I don't know what the other ones were. Big  Bopper and Bop. I don't know if you remember those magazines, but they are like teen magazines that have celebrities of teenagers. And a lot of times they would be like an actor, but they would have him posing in like a horse ranch, like scooping hay. And I thought that was so hot because he'd be shirtless. And that was the first time I'd ever seen that actor shirtless. Mark Walberg was definitely in there, super cute body. Beautiful dude. Still, honestly. He's growing into his daddy faze really well. It was really hot to me. 

So I actually used to do collages for school and sometimes I would slip those in there just to slip something for me. Because I knew I'd have to turn this in and I didn't really necessarily want people to know that I was gay, but I just thought that was really hot. Anywhere I could actually see like accidental skin or skin that I wasn't expecting to see, I would be super attracted to it.

In one of the magazines there was an ad, maybe it was at the back of it, was an ad for International Male. So I mailed off a subscription to that. And it came to you in like a black plastic sleeve so you couldn't really see what the magazine was. And every time my mother handed me the mail, she would ask, like, "What is this?"

And I'd be like, "Oh, it's just a magazine. It's got clothes in it." And I would show her the front part of it that had the clothing. Never showed her the back part. That was just like all thongs and underwear and mesh. Awesome stuff that I could never order.

I was actually a virgin until I was 19, which surprises a lot of people. But I grew up in a really small town in Nebraska. Didn't have access to other gay people necessarily. I found out later that the people I grew up with were gay, but didn't know then. I moved to Lincoln, Nebraska hoping that it would be a change of pace for me.

Lincoln has a lot of gay people and I deliberately picked a neighborhood that was kind of gay heavy. There was a gay bar, like three blocks down. Even though I wasn't old enough to drink, they had college night on Tuesday nights. So I'd go there every Tuesday night because I could like be in a bar and be around other gay people and it was beautiful.

But there was this guy at that bar that I met. I think his name was Steven. I can't even remember. Oh, is it bad that I can't remember my first time, his name? Anyway, I think his name was Steven. He and I hung out for the whole night. I went back to his apartment and I was so nervous for it being my first time having sex. I'd been waiting for it for 19 years. Go back to his place. We sort of started making out while we were watching TV a little bit. And then I pretended to fall asleep so that I wouldn't have to have sex that night. Because I needed to think it over one more night. And then the next day we exchanged numbers and the next day he texted me and wanted to have another quiet night in. And that night I did fucking everything.

I sucked, I fucked. Ah, I did everything. It was really beautiful and wonderful. I didn't fuck him but I sucked his dick for so long. I just couldn't get enough of it. I was super into balls. I'd never really touched another man's balls before the first time having a dick in my mouth. The texture of it was so interesting to me. I didn't want to stop doing it. It's probably why I'm obsessed with sucking dick now. I fucking love it. But the first time I had a dick in my mouth was just like bliss I guess. It was beautiful. So I sucked his dick, sucked on his balls for a really long time and nuzzled them a lot. I remember I definitely ate his ass. I didn't fuck him, but I ate his ass. He fucked me at least three times that night. It was before prep. So we had to use condoms, which is, you know, it is what it is. 

This is probably weird, but after we had sex I was craving sweets. So I ran to the kitchen and found some Twizzler nibs and sat in my bedroom window, like looking at the moon and eating Twizzler nibs. So sometimes I get a craving for Twizzler after I have sex now. I don't know if that's weird, but it's the truth. After my first time finally having sex, did everything, ate a bunch of candy. They're a perfect compliment to after sex, if you don't smoke. Because I hear smoking's good after sex. You get that sugar rush.

Weirdest story for sex? The most embarrassing moment I've had? There was this guy when I lived in Dallas, who I wanted to have sex with really bad. We were Facebook friends and I saw him at the bar a lot. And our interactions were very chemical. Like every time I saw him, we would just walk up and start making out with each other.

But for some reason or another, I never went home with him. He never went home with me. We never actually hooked up. Then I started dating a guy but made the relationship open. So I knew it was still like a possibility. And one night he texted me. So I went over to his place, walked in. He was completely naked. And I literally just walked in the door, dropped to my knees and started sucking his dick. And he  was like, "Oh, actually I just want to take a shower really quick." And I was like, "Okay." So he went into the bathroom, took a shower. I sat on the bed waiting. He came out fully dressed and said he wanted to smoke some pot first.

I had only smoked pot one other time before. It was not legal in Texas. But I had only smoked it one other time and got no high off of it. So I thought, "You know, if I do it again it's not going to be a big deal and I can finally have sex with this man that I've been chasing for a year." So we go outside, fully dressed. Took a couple hits off the bong, wasn't feeling anything. He made me take one more hit. We started talking about something and then he just stopped mid-sentence and was like, "Do you feel the universe bending around you?" And I hadn't felt anything until he said that. And I looked up at the sky and everything literally just started like bending. I felt like I was looking through a tube at everything I looked at.

I got super nauseous. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't have control over my emotions. Like I was feeling anxious and scared, but kind of like horny. And so I just turned to him and I was like, "I need to lay down for a second. I just need this feeling to pass." So I ran into his bedroom, belly flopped onto the bed, passed out immediately. I don't know how long I slept, but I came to and I felt my shirt was off at this point. So I don't know how my shirt came off. But my pants were still on and I felt like my back getting wet. I felt like there was a sprinkle on my back. And I rolled over onto my back and looked up and the dude was straddling the bed.

He was tall. So he's like six, three. He had his arms on the headboard and his feet on the footboard and he was naked. And like slowly pissing on my back. Just little squirts. I flipped over and I was like, "Are you pissing on me?" And he was like, "Yeah, but just a little bit." And I was like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

I got up, found my shirt, put it on, ran out the door. I had parked right outside his house. So I got in my car, tore down the road, like trying to get the fuck away from him. I was still high and felt weird. So I was driving down the road and I didn't really know where I was. Because I was like, high.

And I heard a voice in my window telling me to come back. And I looked and he was next to my car. I thought I was driving super fast. I was going super slow. He was walking at a slow pace keeping up with me. And he's like,  "Just come back. Everything is fine." And I was like, "No. How are you keeping up with me?"

I didn't understand how this man was able to chase down my car so easily. It was freaking me out. So I put a GPS on and put on the voice and set the phone next to me and just listened to what she said.  She would tell me to take a right, and I would take a right. I was just blindly following this voice in the passenger seat next to me. This dude was chasing me down for like a block and then was like fucking left.

Got home, fell asleep on my face with my ass in the air. Woke up the next morning, the same way. It was awful. And I never even got to have sex with him. I had his dick in my mouth for like 30 seconds and then never heard from him again. And that's all right. I've made up for it since.

I am very oral. I would say my best move is probably to deep throat. I don't have much of a gag reflex on purpose. I have slowly worked that out. It's a non-factor for me. If I can get somebody who can make me gag it's kind of impressive. I do have a friend who I hook up with kind of consistently, and I'm pretty sure that's his new goal. He's never said that to me, but every time I suck his dick he works it. I think he wants to see if I can hit the point of gagging on it. I love to flip over on the back of the bed and just have it go straight down my throat. It's probably my best move. You hang your head off the bed. The dick can go straight down your throat. You just open and they fuck it. Like any other hole. And it's really hot. Unless their dick curves down. It's a whole different position you got to get into. If the dick goes down you can actually just get on your knees, just straight up. If a dick goes down, it can go down your throat. I call it Gonzo nose. Is that what that dick's called? It can go straight down your throat and it's no muss, no fuss. Take that dick in any position. It's beautiful. 

I grew up in a small town. After I graduated and left that town I realized that every year, I mean my town was less than a thousand people big. It was small. So the class sizes were like 20, 25 people. Every class, like three years behind me and three years ahead of me turned out a gay every single year.

So I think that if I could go back and tell myself what to look for, I would definitely make myself a lot more sexually open. I was a little scared of getting found out that I was gay. So I tried to keep everything. I never denied it. Someone would call me a fag. I would just tell them to fuck off. But I would definitely tell myself to be more open, that sex is natural. I would have loved to have experienced some type of sex before 19. That would have been awesome. I did nothing. I'd never kissed a boy, never sucked a dick, never got fucked.

 I have finally gotten to a point in my life now where I feel really good about who I am. I feel good about how I look. I don't know. I always felt like it was really shameful to be sexually open or to want to have sex a lot or to be attracted to so many guys. And on my 21st birthday, I met a guy that I ended up having a 10 year long monogamous relationship with. Never cheated on him once. That relationship ended with him cheating on me. I'm not sure how long that had been going on before it actually happened. But after that relationship was over, I made a vow to myself to never put myself in that situation again. Because there was so much temptation. There were a lot of guys who propositioned me for stuff, but I wanted to be a good wife or whatever and not cheat on my husband.

So I squashed down everything that I felt and wanted to do for 10 years. So my entire twenties, I didn't do anything except have sex with this one person. I mean, it was good sex, but it was only good sex for like the first six years. And then we sorta like grew apart as people and then just stopped having sex pretty much completely.

But after that, I experimented with a couple of open relationships. Some of them were really great and I learned a lot. And a couple of them were, I mean they were still good relationships but they just weren't right for me. And now I'm in a position where I feel like I can be who I want to be. I can do what I want to do, and I don't have to feel ashamed of it. Among my friends anyway, I'm known for being promiscuous or slutty or whatever you want to call it. And I don't have friends who shame me for that. Anybody who makes me feel bad about who I am or what I want to do are not people that I want to spend any kind of quality time with. They would just be like bar friends, you know?

I don't know. That would be my advice to the world. I wish the world would be more open. I know not everybody wants to have sex with everybody and always. But if you do, you should not feel bad about that. It's just part of your makeup. It's part of your DNA. It's part of who you are as a person. So you should embrace it and make smart choices about it.

I love it. I love sex.