Episode 11 - “Dolly Parton Made Ryan Gay” with co-host Pete
Ryan’s queer tastes were first inspired by his mom’s obsession with Dolly Parton and her habit of re-watching The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, so it may come as no surprise that Burt Reynolds had a little something to do with his preference for hairy men. After his brother taught him to search for porn on the internet, Ryan eventually used OK Cupid to arrange his “first time” at a less-than-amazing hotel near downtown Seattle.
Join Dave and co-host Pete as they talk about this episode’s Lunch Time Poll: What’s Your Favorite Position? Share your answers on our Twitter feed @fruitbowlpod!
Dave and Pete compare internet search strategies when it comes to porn. Also discussed: gay bars and the function they serve in queer communities; when to make yourself vulnerable when hooking up; masculinity vs. femininity in men.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
My name is Ryan. I am 29 years old and I grew up over on Bainbridge island.
My mom is obsessed with Dolly Parton. So we watched The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas all the time. And I knew, like down to the minute, I could hear it from my bedroom when she was watching it, when the football player song was going to come on in the locker room. Every single time, 30 seconds before it started, I was like, "I can't sleep. Can I just watch the movie with you?" Just to get the glimpse of that shot. That was definitely my go-to. So I thank my mom for that. Apparently they're going to put that on Broadway. I don't know where they're going to put their mic packs, but I hope that scene's in there
The first time I ever learned about sex was with my older brother. Or not with my older brother. He showed me porn on the internet. Yeah, when I was like six. I think it was right when the internet was a thing. Barely a thing. I didn't even really understand it, but my brother already knew how to look up porn for some reason. And he showed it to me. I remember specifically asking if we could look at guys and him looking at me really weird. And I was like, "Oh, I'm just kidding." When I was probably actually getting older and I figured out how to search for stuff online, it was kind of exploring, like, "What did I want to look at?" And I had all these preconceived notions from my brother. He was like, "Oh, lesbians are hot. You got to check them out." So I actually Googled that a lot and played this weird mental game where I was convincing myself that it turned me on.
But then of course, I would go on to, what was it called? The Napster, Kazam or something like that. And that's where I downloaded all my videos. And that's when I would just look up the weirdest stuff. Even when I was like 12, just typing in gay porn or whatever. And then learning what a bear was when I was like 13. And I started Googling gay bears and all that kind of stuff. So definitely the internet was the biggest thing for me to figure out what the kink was.
I think honestly, the first time I ever saw a fisting video or something. I'm going to say it's basic now, but back then obviously it's the first time you've seen it. It's like, "What? People do this?" Seeing that when you're 12 years old really was like, "Oh my God, Sex can actually be anything." I feel so desensitized now in my life that it's like nothing is shocking. So I'm trying to go back to my 12 year old self.
I came out late ish. I was 21. So it was when I was 21, 22, maybe. Eight years ago. In comparison to other people who come out way earlier, then I feel like that's not very long ago. So my first time was a guy. And I met him on OkCupid, but I was still in college at the time. It was like two hours outside of Seattle. And he lived down in Sacramento. But he was coming up to interview at schools or something. And so I was in a play rehearsal. And so we finished at 10 o'clock at night. And I drove over the mountain pass to come to Seattle to, it was a Best Western on Denny. Which is now I think the Loyalty Inn or something. And I drove there, met him at like midnight. And I had Burger King before, which was probably not the best idea.
But then, yeah. Both our first time. We talked for like months before and just tried to do it. And super awkward. First time, he came too soon. Then kind of did it the second time. I don't think we actually ever did it, did it. We tried it. And I think that we did penetrate, but I don't know if it penetrated, if I considered it sex. It was definitely in there. But, I dunno. I actually did fly down there a little bit later to San Francisco and tried to do it again. Didn't really happen again, kind of the same situation. But then after that, it was just the whole mix of: both of us coming out too soon, not knowing what we wanted, too scared to come out, all that kind of stuff. Well, I was already out, but he wasn't. So then after that it was just kinda like caput, which was fine. We're still friends on Facebook, which is really funny. We haven't talked in a while, but we were both doing the passive, liking each other's updates on social media. And it's really cool to see now that we're both in good places. Because I think we were both the people who were actually exploring this and finally figuring out who we were. So it's kind of cool to keep in touch with that person.
The most embarrassing thing is, I was kind of struggling with this one. Because most of it is like, I feel like everyone's done it, or they're lying. I don't know, like we've pooped on a dick. One time I threw up in a guy's yard before, and he didn't see it. And then I came back in and then we did it. One time I was high and I got distracted and started singing a Disney song in my head. And I actually started just humming it out loud and I didn't realize it. So that was fun. I think it was the Belle Reprise from Beauty and the Beast, which is super random. But I always have that song stuck in my head. So yeah, I started humming that when I was riding a guy.
One time I threw up in a guy's bed. It was a first date and it turned into basically a bar crawl, starting at the bottom of Capitol Hill. Like Montana and working our way all the way up where I think we ended up at the old Purr. And by the time we got to that Purr, I remember getting a drink and then that was pretty close to it. And then we kept going up the hill because it was actually close to where I used to live on Capitol Hill.
So we ended up back at his place. It was just the standard, got really drunk throughout the night and then we just started making out. I don't know if we were really actually into each other or if it was just the alcohol. And I ended up at his place. Messed around. We both fell asleep while we were messing around. I woke up, didn't know where I was, threw up. And then I realized that I was not in my apartment. Felt this body get up, go grab something. He cleaned it up. And then that's when I actually started coming to, waking up and feeling sober. Because I just puked my guts out all over his bed and floor.
He cleaned it up really fast. I was actually really impressed. He cleaned it up in like, I think 10 minutes. I was grateful for it because I wanted to go back to sleep. But he came back and had a new comforter on. And he held me. He's like, "You're really everything I'm looking for." And this was when I'm like sober at the time, mortified. I just puked on some guy's bed, probably on him too. And then he's telling me that I'm everything he's looking for. But I think that was alcohol talking for him. Because then he told me the next day that he was not interested.
I like to think that the singing one was endearing. I think it's a cute story. I don't think they do, but I do. I think the puking one is just embarrassing. Not the one where he didn't see because I was able to hide that. But the one where I puked in his bed and he cleaned it up. I think that one's just a little embarrassing.
I would say that my best move is, I'm always surprised when people do this, but it's happened more often than not. Where people are like, "Oh my God, you're a really good kisser." So there's something that I do when I kiss, I don't know what it is. But apparently I'm a really good kisser. So I'm kinda proud of that just whenever I get that reaction, because I don't expect it.
This one gets me into trouble, but I am a really good bed talker. So it's not even before or during, but afterwards. I will get up on you and cuddle the shit out of you because that's what I like. And I don't know what it is, but I feel like I get into people's minds so fast that then they're like, "Oh my God, this was actually really amazing." And they're like, "I want to date you." But I'm like, "Oh my God, I just wanted to hook up." But I love that kind of stuff. I actually like the bed talk and the cuddling, I just don't like the consequences afterwards. Like I said, I'm just like, "Okay, bye. I'm done. I want breakfast."
Generally I'm a pretty open book. Like if people ask me how I'm doing, I say actually truly how I'm doing. Or even if I know a stranger, I'm really open about my life. Like how I grew up, my family dynamics, everything. And so somehow it organically gets into that where I'll start opening that up. And I think to them, it seems like such a big deal that I'm telling them these, not like dark secrets, but just these really personal things. Which to me is just like, I don't know, it's just conversation. It's just a nice conversation. So then that makes them feel really comfortable to open up. So I feel like they just get really vulnerable about their personal life and feel that they can tell me things. Which is cool, like I like that. But I think from my end, I'm like, "Well, that was really great. I like having a good conversation." But to them, they're like, "Oh, he can open up and listen. I want to date him." And I'm like, "Hmm."
The things that I would usually say, the conversation always kind of goes like, "Oh, how did you know when you were gay?" And then you go into like, "What was your family dynamic?" And then I'm always like, "Oh, I was the youngest. My parents were older. I'm close to my parents." But then talking about that, one of the biggest things was that both of my parents are super sick. And so I'm super open about that because it's been 21 years of my life where I've been dealing with it. So it's really just kind of, this is what it is. But to people who aren't used to that, I think that's where they really see the vulnerable piece, because they feel like I'm really opening up. But to me, not to make it seem like it's not a big deal. Because it is a big deal. I mean, they're sick. But to me it's like, this is an everyday thing in my life. Like I will have a cup of coffee and then think about my sick parents. I'm so used to it. So when I bring it up, to me it's not a big deal. But to other people, I think it might be a big deal to them.
I like sex. I just like the full experience. The leading up to it. I think the leading up to it might be the best part, honestly. Not even the foreplay, but it's like both in your minds and you're not even kissing yet. But I mean, come on. We're humans, we're thinking about sex. So even that is exciting, just thinking about the possibility of like, "Oh, I could totally have sex with this person." To the point where then yeah, then foreplay, you're doing it, putting it in each other. But then I love at the very end there's this like high or relief when you're just laying by each other. And it's like, all of that buildup, you finally did it. And it's the most rewarding feeling, I guess.
When I first started having sex, I just kept it really vanilla and not the most exciting. And I think it's only been the last few years where I think you're not going to know your limitations until you start testing them. So I think I would tell 21 year old Ryan, when he's coming out, just go for it. As long as you're being safe about it, and you're thinking about it, and making sure that you feel comfortable. Although that kind of goes against my point, because I should feel a little uncomfortable to try it. I would just say, just feel free to explore a little more and don't feel scared or guilty. Or think that it's wrong to try stuff out, I guess.