S2E5 - Ji's Ring of Keys Moment
While growing up in Orange, California - a notoriously conservative city just south of Los Angeles - Ji had a mom and brother who were accepting of queer people, but just like Aditya and Nayland in previous episodes, Ji still found it difficult to come out to their family.
The truth is, many of us endure our queer coming of age alone even if we have people in our lives who would likely support us. Perhaps we are hesitant because we don’t personally know anyone who is out. Ji describes this as never having their “Ring of Keys” moment.
For those of you who don’t know, this turn of phrase is a reference to a song from the Broadway musical FUN HOME which won the Tony for best new musical in 2015. You can see a performance of the song HERE (https://youtu.be/pMAuesRJm1E)
Based on the graphic memoir by Alison Bechdel, FUN HOME tells the story of Bechdel’s experience growing up in her family’s funeral home and her life with an emotionally distant father who was also a closeted gay man.
The ring of keys described in the song belongs to a local butch lesbian who young Alison admires from a distance, entranced by the lesbian’s swagger and toughness indicated by the ring of keys hanging from her belt loop. Until that moment, young Alison thought that her life would have a very narrow path, but seeing an out, butch lesbian gave her permission to dream about her future in a new way.
Maybe you never had that moment of self-acceptance. Maybe because you never thought that being out could be an option. If so, I hope you can listen to Ji’s story and feel inspired to finally accept yourself and start looking for your own “Ring of Keys” moment.
My name is Ji. I am 29 years old and I graduated high school in 2008.
So I identify as queer. I use the term gay too for myself as well. Queer has been like this, the stable identifier for me for a while now. I think when I was first coming out it was very confusing, but it was, I was like bi that was like the only term that was accessible to me at the time, but even that didn't feel quite right, so yeah. In my college years, queer became the term that I embraced.
I also identify as non-binary. So that's like another subcategory of like the spectrum of on the LGBTQ+ identifiers. So for me it kind of feels like non-binary is gender fluid. So I feel like I was assigned female at birth and I was socialized female and there's nothing wrong with that necessarily, but for me, I think growing into myself more and more, I realized that I live in this kind of gray zone that feels really comfortable for me, and so it's like a really internal feeling for myself, being non-binary. And for me that means that I can feel like masculine or feminine or somewhere in between and on any given day. And I try to embrace both of those things. And um, I think that I don't really get upset when people misgender me that much because I, I don't know, it doesn't feel wrong necessarily. It just also is like, hey there's another part of me that you don't really know because it's kind of invisible. And so I have always been trying to learn and grow from other people as much as I'm growing from within myself. And I think being part of that community has helped me to realize, like other aspects of queer groups and the importance that we all have in this spectrum.
I grew up in Orange County, California, the city of Orange. Growing up there, I don't think I realized just how conservative it was. It wasn't until I moved away to another conservative town that I realized that it was pretty conservative. And it explained a lot for me because I didn't make a lot of friends during my high school years. Like I never felt like I fit in.
I grew up predominantly with a single parent. My dad passed away when I was about six years old, so it was my brother, my mom and I. And we were very close. We still are. We're all very similar people. My brother is an artist. I'm an artist. The passing of my father created, you know, a huge shift in our family dynamic. But my mom talked a lot about it with me growing up. You know, that was something that she never shied away from. And so I think from that point, we were always pretty open with each other.
But I also, growing up, had a very hard time talking about anything that had to do with challenges I was going through or my sexuality or anything like puberty-wise, I just like shut down. And I think my personality, I don't think I knew how to grapple with it and I don't think I had mentors necessarily, like outside of my family, so I didn't know how to relate perhaps. So that was challenging. I know for my mom because I think she wanted to have a more open relationship and I was really closed off.
When I was in second grade and we were reenacting Hercules, like three of my friends that were girls were like out on the playground and they were like, Why don't you be the prince? And I was like, Yeah, I'll be the prince. And so I got to kiss this girl named … like on the cheek. And I got hot like, temperature-wise. And I was excited about it, and I didn't know what that meant. I don't know if I was just, like, socially awkward.
I pretended to like the same things that she liked. She was really into, like, wishbone at the time, which was like a show. That's weird that I remember that. I think we tried to have, like, play dates, you know, as a kid, but yeah, there was something about her that intrigued me. Like she had this, like, short, shiny hair and bangs and the way that she talked or her mannerisms.
I was always really interested in people's hands and how they talked with them. So I think those kinds of things intrigued me about her. During my elementary school years, I had crushes every day, like different people didn't matter the gender. I just liked people. I think that's who I was. There was another person when I was in, I think fourth grade and she must've been in like sixth grade and she wore cargo shorts. And I told myself, I remember saying this to myself, I was like, “It's probably a phase.” Like already that's like so instilled. I was like, “Oh, it’s probably a phase, it’ll pass. Like, I seem to like boys too, whatever.”
I remember practicing making out. You can't really do it with yourself. But I had this tiny mirror and I would like to put on lip gloss and I would kiss it, like, kind of make out and use my hands sometimes too, um, yeah, stuff like that.
I think at that age that was probably like later elementary school, years into middle school, probably like sixth grade. I really wanted to kiss somebody. I wanted to know what that felt like. So I was kind of hung up on that, I was like, Oh, what's that going to be like? You know, I had no idea. And it was everywhere to me too, like all the shows I was watching, there was like kissing.
But I definitely also masturbated. I mean, I think that I figured that out at a young age. I think I was five and I remember I think I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to do homework and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I just went on the couch in like the living room, I didn't even know that's private time or something. It wasn't even a thought in my head, but I remember just like masturbating on the couch. I don't even I don't remember knowing how I knew that though. So that's interesting. I'm like, how did I figure it out? Oh, I think that I somehow figured out like, where it felt good and I just ran with it. And I think that that's where my fantasizing at a young age started, because I noticed that I was only fantasizing about women predominantly. So that was like a big exploration for me.
I don't know. We all learn it at different ages, like, there's nothing wrong with, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like I'm naive. Like, I didn't know a penis got hard until I touched one and I was in ninth grade. Like, I didn't realize that. I didn't put it together.
I think it was around like the third grade, and one of my classmates was like making moaning sounds during lunch and this kid was obnoxious anyways, so I was like, whatever. But I think he walked in on his parents having sex. And I think that was my first kind of understanding of what that sounded like anyway.
And then I was really into this show, this is so weird, but I was into this show called The Tribe. It was like a New Zealand based TV show, and I was like ten I think. And they were having sex on the show and I didn't understand how it works, like it was heterosexual sex. And I was just like, how does it find I don't know. I just didn't know what the heck was going on. And I think that started like the wheels turning.
I had a TV in my room at a young age and I used to late at night I would look for, what is it like Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. She was like an older woman and she would like, she would have like different callers call in and and they would talk about their issues. And it was very straight a lot of the time, but there was some stuff that wasn't. And I was very fascinated about that. It was like one of those shows that my mom should have done the parental control for or something, but my mom was pretty lax, that’s why I got away with a lot there.
When there were movies that would come on and there were two women kissing or having sex, I was like, what’s this? I don't remember a clear conversation with my mom about sex really, until I was having it. Yeah, which I didn't tell her about. Like, if I asked her questions, she would answer them, but I think if it came about me, I would shut down. And I think that's where a lot of this comes from, where I don't remember because I think I just shut it down.
Even though she wanted to talk about it with me. My mom was pretty honest with me about her sexual experiences at a young age. I don't think she told me the age that she, like, lost her virginity or anything until like I was older because I don't think she wanted me to lose it.
“Lose it,” I hate that term, but we talked about it a little bit here and there.
But middle school was kind of like that awkward time where those questions were coming up a lot, but I didn't necessarily have a group to talk through it with until high school when I was kind of already dating and figuring it out myself on my own.
I figured out a lot of stuff on my own because of the conservative area I lived in. They taught abstinence only. It was totally fear driven. Like they showed us images of what you can get if you kiss somebody. And I, having lost a father early on, was already an anxious person and then to be on top of that be told I could get something from just kissing. I was like, “Hell no, I'm not going to like go have sex!” That's terrifying and there's no way. So it was really instilled in me that I shouldn't have sex.
I was given books during puberty. My Body Myself, I think it was called. My grandmother gave it to me. I think no one talked to her about getting her period, so then she didn't want that to happen to me, so she gave it to me. And I think that she thought it would be received better because it wasn't my mom, but I was still upset.
I educated myself. I looked up things. I subscribed to things like Seventeen magazine. That's where I learned a lot of stuff about sex and of course it was like a very heteronormative lens, but teen vogue before it had like it's overhaul like that. Those magazines were like a big part of figuring out sex and sexuality and figuring out ways to learn about my body. So I knew what was going on. A lot of them say take out a hand mirror and check yourself out and stuff. And like, I think growing up in a society that shames all that, I did it anyway, but it was scary because you're just like, taught from such a young age, even subconsciously, to not investigate yourself. And because I was trying to figure out, like, how to do all this stuff on my own in a way it was challenging.
I grew up hearing from my mom there's no issue with same sex marriage, no issue with people living together like she's a live and let live person. So I grew up under that mindset too, and I never questioned it because I never felt like it was wrong. But I also, growing up, had a very hard time talking about anything that had to do with challenges I was going through or my sexuality or anything. Like puberty-wise. I just like shut down. I don't think I knew how to grapple with it and I don't think I had mentors necessarily like outside of my family.
I know from my mom because I think she wanted to have a more open relationship and I was really closed off at that time. But yeah there wasn't role models for me. Like, I didn't necessarily have a “ring of keys moment”, you know, unfortunately. Now I just hope to be a ring of keys for someone else.
I think when I was coming up more and more and my mom was like more a part of that journey later on, she was like, “Oh, your cousin here is gay.” And now I'm like, another cousin that I know of has been in the same relationship with his husband for many, many, many years. And so it's nice to see that they do exist, especially on my Catholic side of the family.
My dad was Catholic, Italian and my mom's Jewish. So yeah, a lot of guilt, but also just a lot of differences in that way. Like they're more conservative on the Catholic side. And my mom's family is very progressive liberal. So that was always an interesting dynamic too, in my family to go from one to the other. And that's why I was afraid to come out at that time.
Like when I came out, I came out like kind of a little later, probably in my early twenties, and I was afraid of coming out to my Catholic side of the family because I was like, “Oh, God, they're going to (freak out),” especially because I had experimented with heterosexuality - no one ever says it like that! But I really think that's true for me, that I experimented like that in my teens and early twenties. And so that's all my family had seen. And so I knew that they were going to be shocked. Even though I had been grappling with this internally for some time.
It explained a lot for me because I didn't make a lot of friends during my high school years. Like I never felt like I fit in and I always felt like kind of the “weird one”. And yeah, trying to figure out myself and my group of friends and I didn't look like punk or I didn't look like a popular kid, and so I never knew where to put myself. So instead I became a theater kid.
The first time I had sex with a penis - I don’t know how else to say that - was when I was experimenting with a long term boyfriend. Yeah, that was like my first sexual experience with a dude, a cis-dude. We had dated for about a year, I think before we had sex. I think I met him when I was like 15, 15 and a half. And we dated like most of my high school time for about two years. I went to the same high school. He was two years older than me, so we weren't in the same classes or anything. But I got to know his family very close. I knew that we had talked about it a couple of times and he was very understanding of not pressuring me. And I think that, you know, we're both socialized in a certain way and that goes hand-in-hand with how you have sex at that age. It just does.
I think from a young age I was feminist and I didn't have the language for that. So I was very aware of not letting him pressure me and making it my own terms and making it be a choice that we both made together. And he also hadn't had sex before either. So I think that's what kind of made it special because we were like, “Oh, we're kind of in this together.” We don't really know what we're doing. For the most part, I don't think I felt pressured, but if I look back on it now, I'm like, How could I not have been in some way? I think it's just like the roles that we inhabited at that time.
It was very quick because it kind of hurt me, like I didn't really understand how it was going to work necessarily, though I had been kind of sexually active in other ways, like oral sex, handjobs, fingering, that sort of thing. This was like the first penetration situation that I had. So I was like, I don't think I liked it, honestly. It was like, I don't think anything can really prepare you for that depth of intimacy.
I always liked the fingering more though, see, so I knew. Not to say that dildos aren't great because they are. But you know, I think from that age I was like, “I don't need that. I just need your hands.” It wasn't wrong necessarily. It's just like it's so different from how I am now. So it's interesting to look back on those sexual experiences because to me, I think there's nothing that could prepare me for it. And at the same time it was totally my own choice. But it was such a huge shift, I think, for me afterwards because the ways I connected with men, could never reach the levels that I connect with the people that I date now or like the experience that I have now with like same sex or non-binary people. The intimacy is just different. So I think that I missed out on feeling really close in some ways to like the person that I was sleeping with because I didn't have the words. I had dated this boy for like two years and I must've been like 16.
I had dated this boy for like two years and I must've been like 16. And I told him, “I'm pretty sure I want to not just sleep with you. Like, I think I'm interested in women or girls.” At the time I was younger and that's when the first like queer sexual encounter happened was probably around like 17 when I met someone who was out already.
So this is the person I'm currently with now back then they used she/her pronouns, but now they use they/them pronouns. So they’re non-binary currently. So I get confused on how to talk about past experiences with people. So this person at that time was the same gender as me and I told them that I was like bi or like bi curious. That was like the terminology back then. Bi-invisibility is like a huge thing and it really was during my high school years, people didn't believe bi people existed. People thought that you had to choose one side or the other. And I was always really conflicted because I never felt that way for myself. I always felt like I was drawn to people like their essences. And so it was hard for me because I always felt like I was wrong. And yeah, we had varying degrees of, like, intimacy throughout like my last year of high school. And that was like my first kind of intimate experience with the same sex.
I remember TA-ing a ceramics class because I dropped out of math and they were in that class and I was like immediately drawn. I was like, “Woah, you look like someone interesting.” Like, had a cool haircut, cut their own hair and it's like, kind of looks like, I don't know if you're familiar with Tegan and Sara? That was a big part of my coming out was listening to Tegan and Sara in high school. In high school, like they would people would always say, like, “Oh, that person looks like they’re a part of Tegan and Sara.”
So I was really drawn to this person then. And I think we had a mutual friend. From there, we kind of hung out with these friends together. And I had this moment where we were with a bunch of friends, like having a bonfire on the beach and like we walked down a little ways to like a darker area and made out on the beach, like, laying down. And it's like one of those memories that is so vibrant for me still, because it was like a moment of, like, blooming for me. I was like, “Oh, this feels really right. This feels really good. It's like a really good kiss.” Like the chemistry.
It was cool because, you know, at that time they were allowed to sleep over. But it was hard too, because I wasn't able to be honest with anybody about what was happening. And I know that hurt the person that I was being intimate with and it was like a conflicting time. We had a few moments where we were intimate with each other. We didn't really experiment with oral sex. We just did fingering and stuff like that.
It's such a weird word. Is there a better word for that? Is there? I don't think there is.
So we spent a lot of time literally sleeping next to each other and also just being intimate in that way and like making out, which was awesome. I was enamored like, this is so cool because it felt like in the open but secretive to me. Like, “Oh, I get to have this relationship and it's kind of like right there in front of everybody, but nobody will ever know because they don't think about it.” And we had a lot of different hang out times. And I would go over to her house and like, we would like make out or sleepover. I'd stay way too late because I could drive then. So I could, drive over and text my mom, “I'm running late,” or whatever. You know, she gave me a lot of space at that time.
During the time that I was casually sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, I was also being intimate with them. And he had broken up with me because we both knew that I was leaving for college, I was going out of state, and so I was like, “Well, whatever, we'll just still sleep together. It's fine.” And I don't think I realized the impact that that would have on the other person that I was kind of like sleeping with. Because I think because I wasn't claiming a word for myself, it made it so that it was okay. Like, you know, that like Catch 22 where people are like, or like a lot of straight couples are like “Oh, if you go have sex with the same sex, that doesn't count,” like that kind of bullshit. I mean, whatever. But, you know, I think it was like that for me. But I think in reality it absolutely did. And I wish I had known that more was more clear about that because it would have saved like a lot of feelings and it would have also helped me in the long run to just say “I'm gay,” and not feel shame around that. Cause I felt a lot of shame. Like, the guy that I dated for a long time was like, “Oh, you're going to be like the lesbian I dated. Or like, I turned you into a lesbian.”
What the? What does that even mean? So that was like the messaging, right? So then, of course, like, I didn't know how to be. I wasn't like the person that I am today because I was still a teenager.
So but then when ___ found out that I was also sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, she cut off contact with me. And it was hurtful for me. But I understood in a way. But we didn't stay in touch with each other.
About eight years went by. We reconnected because I moved to Seattle and I knew that's where they lived randomly. I didn't plan it that way, but yeah, they saw that I was in Seattle and reached out to me and I had reached out to them over the years trying to see if we could kind of rekindle any sort of friendship even.
And then when I moved here, they reached out to me and then before we could schedule a coffee date, we ran into each other in Capitol Hill randomly. I was like, on my way to see another person that I met, like at a queer dance party and that's how it started. So like, we got coffee and then we started this, like, really cool friendship after that. And then it turned into dating.
I honestly think I was in love with the first boyfriend that I had, but I also when I look back on it and when I reconnected with ___, I told them that I was in love with them in high school too. So yeah, those two people were yeah, my first.
There's been moments where we're right in the moment and I have fallen off the bed. You know, shit like that where you're just like, “That's embarrassing,” and it kind of ruins the moment, but let's not let it ruin it. We both end up laughing and it's fine, you know, stuff like that. You try a new way to have sex, or a new position and then you kick them in the face. I mean, you know, I can't think of, like, one moment exactly.
Definitely, like a lot of moments, like where I was, like, queefing. And that's always embarrassing because you're just like, you don't want that to happen. I don't know why it's shameful, but it's just like I “No, I don't want that to happen.” I was with my partner at the time, I was like, “Let's go buy like some lube,” or “Let's go buy a sex toy.” Went and did that and then came back and put the lube on like the side table. And we're getting ready to have sex and stuff and they grabbed the wrong thing. And I guess something happened where there was Purell right next to the lube. And I think the lube I got was like a warming sensation maybe, or something like that. And so I didn't think anything of it at first, but when it was on me, I was like, “Oh my God, this doesn't feel right at all. This feels too warm.” So that was embarrassing, but also like, “Oops.” Like a big oops. I wiped it off immediately. Thank God it wasn’t internal, so that would've been fucked up. It was just external, and it went away pretty fast. And I think I joked like, “Oh, well I'm really clean now,” but it definitely was not a fun experience, but it's definitely a funny story after the fact.
I'm good at reading people and I think that helps to figure out what move to use. I don't know that I have a signature move. When people like their ears being bitten, I like to go for that all the time because I'm like, “Oh, that gets anybody in the mood, right?” But if you don't like that, then that's like not going to work.
But I think that I switch a lot too. So I think that helps because I like both. I like being a top and a bottom and in my relationships. And for like queer people who are assigned female at birth, it's different. So I think it's mostly in relation to do you like to dominate more and do you like to be more submissive?
And there's also terminology like “pillow princess” or “bossy bottoms.” So I think a pillow princess is like someone who's a bottom and just wants to hang out and like to have everything be done to them and like not lift a finger. I think that I fall into a lot of those categories like I am. I like being a bottom and I would just like, “Do it to me.” I don't want to think about it because you have to like plan your moves out and it's exhausting. Like it's less pressure if I'm not on top. So I guess to me that means like if you're on top, you're kind of taking the lead, you're in charge of how it's going to go down. Like if you're teasing someone, if you're not and then if you're on the bottom, it's like you just kind of go with the flow.
I think for me it's like in my relationships when I've been with women, we switch a lot. Yeah, not all the time. Not doing like every sexual experience. Sometimes there is one person who's a top and one person is the bottom. But I think a lot of the times, in my experience, it's we switch roles because I think for me I kind of like it that way. It's exciting to not know who's going to do what, and that makes it more fun, especially if it's like a long term relationship, right? And I feel like it's also part of their identity in some way, and I think that can be hard to maneuver around because especially if you're like seeking certain partnerships or certain sexual partnerships, people want to know who you are in the in your in like the gay community, gay male community, but I feel like in like the queer I don't know and not to say like gay man don’t identify as queer but like in like the community that I'm in it's like we don't really have that as much. I don't know, maybe it's just the community that I personally inhabit and like, I wouldn't know where to start to say, like, with that languaging, I guess I would say I'm a switch, but that's like, I don't know, any label around that is hard for me cause I'm like, Is that true? Or it might change with the person. I don't know.
I think I like to seek people out that aren’t, that don't have an energy about them, that is just one way because I think that there definitely are people like that are tops that are bottoms and that's just who they are and what they do. But I think for me it's because I live in this gray area in a lot of ways and my life, it just seems more interesting to to switch around because I think that's what I like. You never know who's going to do what, like until you kind of meet them and get to know them. And I think that's like a big part of it too. And to always be stuck in like a box, being part of the queer community is about labeling yourself and identifying yourself, but also being able to break out of all the things that we've been conditioned to be. I think that relates to sex too.
Being aware that I wasn't straight, but continuing to date like cis straight men was challenging because I continued to be drawn to these people. I don't know if it was based on gender or not, but that's how it happened.
And I think sometimes being in those relationships was challenging because there is a multitude of complexities that come into hetero relationships because there's like a whole society that backs up those two people. Growing into myself more, becoming like more feminist, more anti-racist, more anti-sexist, like all of those things, and then being in relationships where I saw like roles played out in a certain way, even though I wasn't wanting to be about that, I think that was probably the most challenging experience that I've had in my dating life, because it wasn't until I had a long term relationship with another woman in my early and mid twenties that I was able to really see the stark differences in like how I behave and how men treated me too.
Yeah, men were coming from their perspective in the relationship and I was trying to educate them and I was like, “This is a lot of emotional labor. It's like a lot of work and like you're still not getting it.” And like, “I want you to try harder,” and I don't know if that could have ever been resolved because I think that intimacy-wise, though I was like continuing to have sex with men,
it was fine and I liked it for the most part at that time.
I think that I was missing a big part of the relationship aspect that I wanted. And so when I dated a woman in my mid twenties for about three years and I was able to be like, “Oh wow, we already have this worldview that I don't have to explain to you like what it's like to be a woman.” I don't have to explain to you, like the hardships and the challenges that come up like that at all. Like we just get it. And I think that was like a huge difference and that made it so much more intimate from the get go.
Whereas like with the other, with the men, it was like, I have to explain it to you. And also I get angry if I think that I'm doing a specific role that I don't want to be doing because of my gender or the way you think of my gender. Yeah. And like, it just broke all that down when I dated a woman.
So I think within the dating scene now, I think honestly in some ways it's gotten harder because we are just like behind the phone, like looking at people's images and based on like first impressions through a flat screen. Like we make these ideas about people and we judge them because that's what we do. And I think we lose and we miss out on a lot of connections. And I think that in my community where gay bars aren't a thing, I mean, they are a thing, but they're not as prolific, which is so unfortunate because I think we need them. We need them to exist because I think we'd go out more and meet people in person more. And I think that would really help generate a better or not a better community, but like a more well-rounded community, a more diverse community where you're meeting people in person besides just through the technology that we have now.
When I first came out, I was still in college, so it was different because I was around a lot of different people. There were more like gay men around me then and like the the queer lesbian women, like they weren't, I didn't see them as much. I don't know if that's because I didn't look or if I was afraid to or whatever, but I dated like one person in college and I think that being around just people in general made it easier. I already had like a pool of folks to kind of choose from and then.
I mean, dating apps are helpful. I think the fact that I'm like an extroverted introvert helps because I love meeting people and I tend to be a little promiscuous when I am single. So I think that helps. Just say it as it is, I mean call it what it is. But I yeah, and I think that makes it easier. Like when I moved to Seattle, I moved to Seattle by myself, single. I only have some friends here and I went to like queer parties by myself, sober sometimes even, and some people would be like, “What? That's absurd! Why would you do that?” But I think, to me, I was like, there was no other way. Like, I'm going to meet people and I wanted to meet. I mean, there's a lot of cuties. I wanted to meet them!
I am now in a monogamous relationship where we discuss having other people in our relationship. We haven't really practiced that yet, but that's been a conversation and it was a conversation in my last relationship too except that I got cheated on instead. So there's not a lot of trauma, but there is some where I'm like, “How's that going to work?”
But I'm looking forward to those moments in the relationship I'm in now where we can have this foundation and also be like that because I think it's unrealistic to be with one person forever. And I think that we both probably want to be with other people. And I think that that's fine. You can work through jealousy. I don't think you can work through resentment as easily.
I was really pushed and pulled in a lot of different directions in my youth, and I think it did create a lot of cool experiences and a lot of unique learning opportunities. But at the same time, I think that I questioned myself a little too harshly and I think that I would have told myself like, “It's okay to just listen to yourself.” You don't have to have it all figured out. And to not give so much weight to other people's opinions or like that it's okay to experiment with opposite sex people. And like that you're still experimenting. I think it's all about experimenting, really, and that you don't have to be pinned down to any sort of like identity or label in your youth or even whenever. Still I'm like, “Oh, maybe there are some people that I would be interested in having a relationship with now that, you know, wouldn't fit like this queer bill or whatever.” But it's like, yeah, just like not proclaiming any one title unless it really feels right for you and that it's okay to change it too.
I think the hardest part when I was first coming out was like, I didn't feel like gay enough. I didn't feel like queer enough because I had dated men. And back then people said you had to sleep with the same sex to know you're gay. And I think that's ridiculous. I think you just know and sometimes it helps to, like, have those experiences, obviously, but you don't have to because you can be asexual and know who you want to be intimate with.
When I came out and well, I'm kind of out as non-binary to some circles and to me it's become a personal choice in that way. And that's fine with me. I don't feel like I need to be out all the time. I think for a while I thought I needed to be out like everywhere, for it to exist, for it to matter, for me to be part of the club. And I think that when I was kind of coming into more of an understanding of like, I think I'm non-binary or like on this trans spectrum that I had to look a certain way to do that. I didn't feel like I was, you know, nonbinary enough or trans enough, like claim those labels. And a friend of mine at the time, talked to me about that and was like, “You're enough, however you identify, however you present, it's enough.” So I'm glad that someone told me about advice, a fellow trans person and yeah, I think that helped me kind of come into my skin even more.
I love the idea of like sex positivity, and I think that radical self-love that goes hand-in-hand with that. I think it's really beautiful and I think that I'm trying to practice that as much as possible because I think there is still a lot of shame associated with sex. And I hate that. And I don't know where that messaging came from because it was never direct. It was just always, you know, exterior like peripheral messaging. And it's amazing how much that affects me and other people still even though I say, “I'm this and that,” I say that. I'm like, you know, practicing all of these things that will help me heal through trauma or or heal from other things.
I think that's really important to find people that you can be intimate with and practice this kind of intimacy and sex positivity. I think that's a beautiful thing and I'd like to practice that more too.
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