Episode 6 - "Tyler The Thunderdome" with co-host Jaelynn

Join Jaelynn and Dave as they listen to Tyler recall his unique path to becoming an out gay man. Tyler grew up with a single father who enjoyed telling his son all about his latest female conquests. Eventually, Tyler discovered his dad’s porn stash and the cinematic masterpiece BUTT BEAUTIES, but Tyler soon realized he was lookin’ at the dudes more than the women … actors. Tyler’s first time is unlike any other you’ll ever hear and we don’t wanna spoil it for you here. Just listen.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

My name is Tyler. I am 30 and I am from Columbia, Missouri. 

So I first found out about sex, I guess, through hearing my parents fooling around. And that was kind of, it wasn't embarrassing, but it's kind of one of those like, "Oh, my parents are fooling around." And then when they divorced, then it was just the new flavor of the week for my dad. So it'd be like, "Oh, you're my new mommy. What are you here to do? Oh, you're here to make me breakfast and fuck him. Get it. Cool." But yeah, that's kinda how I first found out about sex. Maybe not the way that I would interpret what I was going to be doing. But just, this is sex. This is two adults getting together and making nasty. 

My dad got really clever about putting his trunk, he had a big army trunk. He put it in front of the door so I couldn't get in, so I couldn't peek in because I was curious. I was a little kid and I was like, "I gotta go see what's going on. They're making a lot of noise." My dad wasn't the vocal one, but it was more of who he was bringing home. And then he would love to tell me about it once they were gone. And this was at like five and six, I was learning about sex then. It wasn't a question of like, was I confused about what was going on? It was a question of what he was doing, how well he was having fun, what he was doing with that individual or that lady. And pretty much that. And I was like, "Is this not my new mom? Is she sticking around?" All these questions would come up. And I'm just like "I don't get it." I just, hey, enjoyed it. And that's what I kind of learned.

My first major crush? I would have to say it was actually, it was this girl that I had class with in history class. Like major crush. She was very pretty. She was a black girl and we would sit next to each other in history class and she was so much smarter than me. I think we were doing civil war. And I was like, "Well, this is stupid." And growing up in the Midwest, it's kind of like, "Oh, the south is good, but it's kind of not so good." And they try to whitewash it all. And she was like, "No, think about it from this perspective, selling slaves and doing this." And she was like, "You're all right. You'll figure it out. You got a good head on your shoulders." And I just loved that she would always take the time to focus on me, help me through my schooling. And I just kind of had this little school boy crush on her. Just an innocent, “I'm into you in the sense that we both get along with each other.”

My first guy crush, I can remember when I was working at McDonald's. There was a manager. I don't know why I thought he was hot. He would always be working next to the fryer and he would always be really greasy. I don't know, he had this like doofy smile with like big dimples, bright blue eyes. And he had a goofy chuckle. I don't know, he had a huge bulge in his pants. I don't know if it was all balls or what, but I just love checking him out. That was my first guy crush, McDonald's. That was when I was 16. So I was a little bit past my first girl crush. But yeah, 16. I had that crush because I started working there and then went on to work at Walmart. And got a couple crushes on these three college boys that we're training to be managers at Walmart. And I was like, "Oh, they're going places. They're working at Walmart. They're getting educated."

So the first time that I realized that it was a dude I was attracted to and not a lady, was when I found my dad's porn. We had this old timey TV stand and it was just shoved way back there. And I found it. And I was like, "Oh, cool video for me to watch." Pulled it out. And I couldn't understand what the hell it was talking about. It was like some butt beauties or something else. I was like, "Oh, like black beauty. That's my favorite movie." Popped it in and started watching it. And there was this big hunkin, strong looking man. Greased down, just going to town at this lady. And I'm not even paying attention to this little petite girl with fake boobs. And he's just railing her. I was like, "Oh man, that is hot." I was like, "Wait, I'm looking at the dude, not the girl." And I noticed I was fast forwarding through all the girls' scenes where they're just going to town at each other. And I'm just like, "Eh, need more dude. Too much vagina in here."

My first kink would be that I was infatuated with white boxer briefs in old timey, military movies. They always had the scene where they're all lined up in bootcamp. They're all staying in their white cotton briefs. Hard on, instantly just watching it. I'm just like, "Ah, yes. Daddy." Military daddies. My first kink. Love those underwear.

I'd kissed girls occasionally through school. I got the nickname of Kissy Monster because I would kiss all the girls. But for actual sex and what I consider sex, I didn't start doing that until I was 20, 21. And I was in the Navy and I was really afraid of sex because I had a lot of questions. I mean, I knew it was a lot of fun and I knew my dad was doing it. But there was just like this, like he would tell me all the things he was doing, but I didn't have any of the answers for what was going on. What's going on in my body? Why am I getting hard at this, but not at this? Why am I looking at this dude? And this is getting me hard, but my dad's doing this with ladies and I don't know what's going on. So it was really confusing for me. And I didn't have a good outlet because it was like, "Oh, well dad's doing ladies. I should be doing ladies too but I'm not getting turned on." So it was kind of something that I never developed over time and never really looked into it. 

I mean, I would make out with the ladies and kiss them, that was always fun. That was always, "We're drunk. This is fun." I was like, "I'm not that drunk, but it's okay. I'm just trying to figure out if I like this." And I didn't like it. It took me, I think, yeah, 20.

I got a drum stick from a concert that I went to. And I was like, "Oh, I think I might like to put something in my butt. I'm not too sure, but this might feel good. Who knows?" And I did that with the drum stick because there was no sexual education for homos in the Midwest. So it was like, "Oh, drumstick will work. That's dick shaped. That's kind of what I'm into." It did not feel good. It was not something I ever tried to get. I was like, "That's not where that belongs. It's not where that goes." 

First thing that I did find that worked was actually reverting back to boxers. I used to sniff boxers. I really, really enjoyed the smell of like somebody just coming from the gym and smelling my boxers. It was my own for the first couple of times. But then after I started having sex, it was like, "Oh, I can sniff your boxers. We just went for a bike ride. I'm really into that. That smells really good." Just the hot sweatiness of another man. And it was just like, "Oh, that's a good brand."

My family was all military. So my mom and my dad are the first ones to break generation of not going to military. And then I picked it back up and I went into the Navy. It was before Don't Ask, Don't Tell got repealed. So I was in when you couldn't talk about it. You were sailor so-and-so. Don't tell me what you're into, just do your job. I was engaged to a woman for two years, and at this point I was a virgin. Only kissing girls, never really counted anything. No sexual experiences with dudes. And we were engaged from 18 to 20. And she was in the Navy as well. I was in Virginia and she was in Chicago, Illinois. So we were never together. We were always separated, but we would always text dirty thoughts to each other. Say what we wanted to do to each other in text messages, write each other, call each other, FaceTime. But never really anything sexually, like I never took my clothes off. She never got dirty pictures of me. Because I was a virgin and I was, at this time, Catholic because I was in the Navy trying to become straight.

I was like, "Oh, this'll straighten me out. I don't want to be gay." And it was Don't Ask, Don't Tell, so you couldn't be out and have any questions about this. So the right thing to do was be with a woman. And I was with her for two years when she went un-designated and came to Virginia to be closer with me. And she was like, "Hey, I'm here. I'm in Virginia. I have a hotel room. Let's meet up. Let's fuck. Let's go out and have dinner. We haven't seen each other. We're getting married in a month or so." And I was like, "Yeah, let's do that. Except for the fucking part. I'm Catholic. And I'm a virgin. And I don't want to do that." I was terrified of sex at this point. Like, didn't want to have sex with women. I knew that I was gay, but I was trying to suppress it so bad. I was like, "I don't want these feelings anymore. I don't want to be gay. I want to be straight. I want to be normal. I want to have a Naval career." Couldn't do it. I was so afraid of getting caught, of doing anything with another guy that I was like, "That's not even an option." 

But one night she decided, she was like, "This is it. I'm done. I'm putting my foot down. We're having sex tonight or I'm done." And I was like, "Okay, I guess we're done. I'm on duty. I can't leave the ship. I can't leave and go have sex with you. And I'm not having sex with you on the ship because you can't do that. There's no place for us to go." And she ended up hooking up with one of my coworkers that I was in the Navy with that night, and then told me about it the next morning. As he's strolling in, she's telling me on the phone, "Yeah, I just fucked so-and-so and I'm tired. I'm done. You take that and you do what you need to with it, but that's that."

 So I went and said, "Hey, airman so-and-so, we're going to hang out after work tonight." This is the guy that she just went and fucked. And as soon as we got off work, we went and had a couple of beers, took them back to my place. And then I screwed his brains out. He was bisexual. Revenge fuck in the fullest. I just went to town. I was like, "You know what? She did it. I can do it." Fucked him, called her. Soon as we were done I was like, "Hey, I fucked him too. We're even, we can get married now. We can go back on our pace." She was like, "I don't know what you think you just did, but none of this makes sense. None of this is normal. You have some serious issues. And I really think you need to look into your gayness." So I was like, "Okay sorry, I'm not gay. I'm trying to get married to you. We fucked the same guy, so we were even." Yeah, it made sense in my mind. And that was pretty much the end of our phone call on that one. But that was my first sexual experience, was a revenge fuck to prove that we could still get married. And I was straight. 

So for my first time, and with this guy, not a lot of things were on the table. Because he was pretty particular and he was a little nervous. And I was very nervous. I was just like, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure this goes there." And pegged the shit out of him. But we made out, we kind of fooled around. I didn't get to explore all the things that I wanted. This was the first time that I was ever having sex, but let alone having sex with somebody in my division, in the Navy, that could directly get us both kicked out. And I didn't know how that worked. I was like, "Oh, this could be a sting. He's just here for a ploy to catch people that are fucking dudes and then kick them. 

For the Don't Ask, Don't Tell, everything was going through my mind at that point. But we pretty much just stuck to the basics. Made out a little bit, maybe a little bit of a blow job, and then pretty much just thrusted in, and done. It was not great. But it was like, "Oh, this is sex with a dude." And I was more turned on with this than I was anytime that I was ever trying to pretend and be into girls and making out. Because I never got a boner. Every time I went to a strip club it's like, "Yeah, this is great. You smell good. This is cool." No boner. First time with a dude and it was horrible. Nerves just racking me up, just like, "I don't know what to do." But I was so turned on. And at that point I was a top just because I didn't know anything else to do. I was like, "Okay, I don't know how anything else is going to go. I don't know what my role is here, what my options are." I literally had no clue. 

I actually speak to my ex fiance quite frequently. We're actually really good friends now. She's married and has a few kids of her own and she's doing well.

The most embarrassing thing during sex would have to be shortly after my first time. I went on a sexual bender. I started having sex almost every single day after that. But I would never get sex from like the same person, because I was afraid they could catch me that way. But I ended up meeting this guy in the middle of Virginia and I thought it was going to be the safest place. I was like, "Oh, go far inland away from a military town. And nobody will know me. Nobody will be military. I'll be safe." And I ended up hooking up with this older gentleman through Craigslist. And he had a micro penis. And I had no idea what a micro penis was because I'd never seen one before until I met him. And it was a very small nub. 

But he was the bottom, I was the top. Because that's the only role I knew at that point. And I didn't know how to bottom or what I needed to do for bottoming. And I was like, "Okay, cool. Well, the penis isn't necessary. So let's fuck." And he's like, "Yeah, okay. But I'm just going to warn you, I'm really tight." And I got all of a pinky into him. He's face down, biting the pillow. He's like, "Oh my God, you're so big. That's so huge. Are you all the way in?" And I'm like, "Yeah, uh huh. I'm really railing you. Can you feel it?" He's like, "Oh yeah. That's really good." And he's moaning. He's going crazy. Like he's scratching at the bed, just trying to claw, get away from me. And he's just a pinky. It was nowhere near my dick size. I was like, "It's just a pinky buddy. Like I haven't even gotten to the second finger." He's like, "Oh, are you getting close?" I was like, "Yeah I'm getting real close." 

"Oh my God. It's so good. This is great. This is the best sex I've ever had."

I'm still with the pinky in him. And then I was like, "Oh, I'm getting ready to come." And just pull out and then wash my hands and leave.

Slapping the balls right on the ass. That's my best move. Thunderdome. Yeah, when I'm fucking somebody, my best move is slapping my balls right against their ass. Just power thrust.

So what I wish I knew back when I was a young kid and before I became sexually active, is just that it's okay to be gay and it's okay to be you. And the one thing that I really think that I've had to struggle with throughout this whole entire time, throughout this process of my life, is learning our culture. Learning how to be gay, because I didn't know. I mean, I was in the Navy. My first time was with a revenge fuck. I never really learned or took the time to learn our culture and learn where we came from. I just was out there sleeping with guys. This is what it is to be gay. Just fuck anonymously and be done. And I never really took the time to learn anything about who I was and what it meant to me in the bigger community. And the how I fit into this whole entire workings of the world of like, "Oh, well I'm this gay man but I'm using my voice to say this. And my interactions with somebody else will spark somebody to think negatively or positively on our culture." If I could meet myself again and be like, "Hey, it's okay. You're going to be a strong individual and as soon as you accept yourself, you will be accepted into the right community."

My advice that I would have given myself for the mechanics of having gay sex, is always be prepared to bottom and always have a condom. Because you never know when you're going to get lucky. Douche girl, douche.